


The One Where Corporal Levi Takes It Up The Ass

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Era, Crack, I don't know why I wrote this, M/M, Mentions of Sex, interrupting!eren, nosy teenagers, old men in denial, rumour-spreading
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-27
Updated: 2014-03-27
Packaged: 2018-01-17 06:26:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1377232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The latest gossip of the Survey Corps' cadets suggests that a certain dark-haired and vertically challenged Corporal has a thing for sticking things up his behind. More specifically a certain Commander's dick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One Where Corporal Levi Takes It Up The Ass

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea why I wrote this.  
> But oblivious old men are cute, so whatever.
> 
> I'm sorry Eren, you can go bleach your eyes now.

The rumours started one sunny day in April, when the young cadets were cleaning out the stables. Eren had just returned to work after a brief lunch break when he heard the snickering voices of his friends.  
“Have you heard?” Connie asked him, trying to keep his voice down; “Corporal Levi takes it up the ass.” Eren was taken aback by this unsuspected statement, and stuttered out a reply with a blush quickly spreading over his tanned cheeks.  
“What?”  
“It’s true, though!” Sasha insisted, nodding her head vigorously.  
Eren was just about to ask how the teenagers had gained this, highly inappropriate, information when a voice caught him of guard.  
“What’s going on here?” Levi had appeared so quickly that all cadets jumped in surprise and shame, “Aren’t you brats supposed to be working?”  
“Sorry, Sir.” The group said all together, as they quickly resumed the task at hand. They didn’t bring up the aforementioned subject again, as the Corporal’s grey eyes were now fixed on them with grim determination. The short man stood leaning against the stable door, letting his fingers play with the white cravat around his neck. Eren threw a quick glance at his superior and was rewarded with a death-glare that made him quickly get back to work. After what felt like hours Levi finally stood up straight and left, without a word, and the cadets all sighed in relief.  
“Corporal Levi is really cool, but he’s so scary sometimes.” Sasha whined and Armin, who’d been quiet all morning, finally spoke up.  
“He’s a soldier of impeccable strength and discipline. If you didn’t lack that discipline yourselves then he wouldn’t bother you.” The blond boy said, matter-of-factly.  
“Yeah, well, he still takes it up the ass.” Connie murmured.  
“That’s so inappropriate.” Eren squeaked, “How do you even know that?”  
Connie got a weird look in his eyes that indicated that he was about to tell them something very important.  
“You know the corps party last week, celebrating the new recruits?” he almost whispered.  
“Yeah, we were all there, dumbass.” Jean groaned from somewhere behind Eren.  
“Well.” the excited boy continued, “You know how the Corporal got really drunk and kept saying rude things and stuff? Well, the Commander noticed and offered to take him to his room and so they left together and Sasha here left at the same time and she saw them enter the Commander’s quarters together, didn’t you, Sasha?”  
Sasha nodded again, so violently her head seemed to be in danger of falling off.  
“Why would that indicate anything? Commander Erwin and Corporal Levi are really close friends.” Mikasa sighed and rolled her eyes.  
“Shut up.” Connie whined, “I’m telling you they’re fucking! Levi was walking all funny the next day, too.”  
“Yeah.” Armin said, now sounding really annoyed with his comrade’s stupidity; “He was hung-over, Connie. It’s a thing that happens when you drink too much, you know?”  
“All right you dirty-minded children, you’re dismissed!” a cheerful voice suddenly exclaimed from right behind Connie. It was Squad Leader Hanji, with her brown hair gathered up in a loose knot and an amused smile on her face, “Is it really your place to discuss the sexual habits of your superior officers?”  
Connie, Sasha and Eren all went completely red in the face while Armin and Mikasa rolled their eyes in unison, the former whispering a quiet “I told you so”.

 

It was at dinner that night that Hanji just couldn’t keep it to herself anymore. Levi had just left for his quarters and so she was alone at the table with Mike and Nanaba, who were both picking at their food.  
“You will not believe what I caught the cadets talking about this morning.” She said, already holding back her laughter. Mike raised one eyebrow and Nanaba smiled with interest.  
“What did they do now?” she chuckled, ready for some fresh gossip to colour her otherwise so colourless life.  
“They think Levi’s sleeping with Erwin.” Hanji almost whispered and Mike choked on his drink. Nanaba’s eyes widened and in seconds she was laughing hysterically.  
“Really? Shit, are you sure Levi didn’t hear them? They’d be dead by now…”  
“I don’t think he did, no.” Hanji replied, fighting off her own urge to roll on the floor – completely loosing it would draw too much attention to them and this was not a conversation that the cadets at the next table needed to overhear.  
“You don’t suppose that they’re right, though? We would’ve noticed, right?” Nanaba said after a long fit of laughter and took a sip of water to sooth her throat.  
“They aren’t.” Mike said, still a bit shaken by the fact that the cadets had actually had the guts to discuss this openly, “I would’ve smelled it on them.”  
“I know.” Hanji smiled, “I’m sure they both want to, though, they’re just too proud to admit it.”  
“You didn’t just say that.” Gasped Nanaba, “This is the Commander we’re talking about. Isn’t this treason or something?”  
“Oh, come on, darling.” Hanji rolled her eyes, “I’ve known Levi for years – he’s head over heels for the guy, trust me.”  
Mike didn’t say anything, but he smirked knowingly and Nanaba raised her eyebrows.  
“How long’s this been going on?” she wondered, figuring she was too deep in the know to pull out now.  
“I was there when they first met.” Mike still had the same smirk playing on his lips, “I’d say that’s when, and that was a very long time ago.” Hanji nodded.  
“We’re talking years of supressed feelings here.”  
“Do you think they even know, themselves?”  
“Heaven knows. I’d say they’re both too thick – and proud.” 

 

Levi never paid much attention to what others thought of him. He kept to himself, mostly, and trusted only a few. He didn’t bother people unless they bothered him. Suddenly, though, things had gotten really odd. The cadets got awfully quiet whenever he walked by. At first he’d written it off as their usual hero-worship-thing but when even that girl Mikasa started eyeing him differently he realized that something must be off. Not that he cared what they thought of him, anyway. That wasn’t the real problem. As it turned out, even his fellow Squad Leaders had started treating him differently. At first it was just a weird smile from Mike, who usually never smiled unless he was smelling people. Then Hanji was louder than usual – not that he wasn’t used to her by now, but still. The straw that broke the camels back, though, was when Nanaba refused to look him in the eye as she handed him the report from last week’s training sessions. Something had to be up if even serious and devoted Nanaba stated fucking with him.  
The walk to Erwin’s office seemed longer than usual, as everyone he met kept throwing him knowing looks and he didn’t know what the fuck they meant. As he finally reached the door he found it was already open, as Hanji was just leaving.  
“Bye then, Erwin. I’ll be leaving now.” She laughed awkwardly, and Levi raised an eyebrow as she turned around and yelped at the sight of the short Corporal.  
“Levi!” she squeaked, “Go on in, I won’t disturb you.”  
The black-haired man gave her one of his famous death-glares as she left and then turned to Erwin, who looked just as confused as Levi felt.  
“What’s up with her, lately?” the Commander asked, puzzled.  
“That’s what I came to ask, actually. Everyone’s been treating me fucking weird all week, and it’s starting to irk me out.”  
“Well, it’s the same here, I’m afraid. I could order them as their Commander to tell me?”  
“That would be a bit over-dramatic even for you, old man.”  
Erwin smiled and gestured for Levi to sit down on the chair facing the desk.  
“Actually” the blond said, in an almost childish whine, “Even Mike’s been a bit strange. He’s one of my oldest friends and still… It’s rather confusing.”  
“Have we done anything unusual?” Levi contemplated.  
“Not that I know of…” Erwin scratched his chin in thought.  
“Maybe it’s nothing, then.” Levi groaned and rose to leave, “But if it’s not sorted out by the end of the week I just might kill somebody.”

 

Eren had to admit that this was the most awkward training session he’d ever had. Corporal Levi seemed a bit on edge and none of the cadets dared look him in the eye. The rumours had spread through the entire corps by now and they’d probably been exaggerated a lot – as rumours tended to. The other day a girl had asked Eren if it was true that he’d seen the Corporal and Commander actually doing it, to which he’d declined while blushing furiously.  
“Come on you little shits! The titans will tear out your guts and chew them up if you’re not better than this.” Levi shouted as the teenagers went through the same series of exercises for the fifth time. He was too into the shouting to notice that the Commander had stopped next to him to observe the cadets’ progress.  
The cadets, however, had definitely noticed.  
The sweat-soaked youths were all eyeing their superiors with an embarrassed curiosity and it didn’t take long for Levi to catch on and turn around.  
“Erwin.” He greeted coldly, not breaking his act of sternness in front of the teenagers, “Did you want something?”  
The simple question earned him a quiet snicker from the crowd of cadets and the corporal spun quickly to glare at whoever had made the unwelcome noise.  
“Nothing special” Erwin nodded, “Just checking up on their progress. And yours.” He added without a second thought and Eren swore that he’d heard someone gasp.  
“Right.” The now very annoyed Corporal furrowed his brows more than should be humanly possible, “What are you brats all looking at? Ten laps around the establishment, right fucking now, and no dinner ‘til you’ve finished!”  
Eren couldn’t help but whine a bit about this new task as the already worn-out boys and girls started jogging. He was just about to get out of earshot when he heard Levi murmur an agitated “We need to sort this shit out”.

 

“What do you mean ‘what’s going on’?” Hanji laughed nervously, already sweating where sat opposite Erwin’s desk with Levi’s hand as a silent warning on her shoulder.  
“Please, Hanji.” Erwin sighed, “My patience is really wearing thin, here.”  
The brunet scientist bit her lip trying to figure out a way to get out of the situation. Levi’s grip on her shoulder tightened remarkably, and she flinched.  
“What the Commander means is that you better open your filthy lying mouth right now, if you want to keep your tongue. Don’t you dare play with me, Hanji, you know what I’m capable of.”  
Hanji’s shoulders dropped as she slid down the chair, her chin resting on her collarbone. She looked up, facing Erwin’s ice blue eyes with a shiver.  
“It’s nothing, really.” She whined, but as she heard the sound of Levi drawing his knife she shook her head and continued, “Really. I swear. It’s just that the cadets have been… I mean, they’ve been speculating. And you see it’s a bit amusing and I didn’t think it would be fair to tell you that-“  
“Tell us what.” Levi’s voice was stern – he wasn’t a very patient man.  
“They think you’re shagging.” She said, trying not to worsen the situation by laughing.  
“They think what?” the Corporal’s face went completely blank as he stared straight ahead, trying to make something of this sudden information. Silence filled the room for a while, as Hanji didn’t repeat herself – she knew she didn’t have to.  
After what felt like forever a sharp sound cut through the air, startling both the scientist and the short man by her side – Erwin was laughing.  
“Did they…” the tall man shook with amusement as he tried to form a coherent sentence, “They actually-… did they say that?”  
“I’m afraid they did, Sir.” Hanji replied, giggling herself now. She turned to face Levi and what she found made her laughter instantly louden.  
Levi was blushing like a schoolgirl and it was clear from his blank expression that he had yet to notice this, himself.  
“Someone’s flustered.” The brunette woman pointed out boldly and her short friend quickly furrowed his brows and glared at her with murderous ferocity. Erwin, who had just noticed the visage of his Corporal looked like he wanted to say something, but couldn’t get it off his tongue. The awkwardness in the office grew steadily more unpleasant each second.  
“I think I’ll leave you two alone.” Hanji finally chimed as she squirmed out of Levi’s grip – now loose and languid – and slipped out the door. The smile on her face got her several odd look on the way back to her quarters.

 

Eren had been chosen. Rock-paper-scissors had never been his strongest talent and that had left him to deal with the task at hand. He had to go leave the report from the last expedition to the Commander, right this instant. Armin had given him a soft, although pitying, look as he left – stack of paper firmly in his grasp. Not that he feared Erwin Smith, but these last few weeks had made interacting with him more awkward than usual. Not that the Commander wasn’t quite intimidating to begin with.  
As Eren crossed the yard he met Hanji who smiled happily at him – she usually only smiled when she was up to something but now she looked honestly pleased. It was a bit weird. Ascending the stairs to the office he took a few deep breaths.  
“I’ll just go in there and leave the report on his desk – then leave.” The boy murmured to himself and looked only to realize that the office door was cracked open slightly. He poked it hesitantly and heard the chilling sound of it creaking open. Eren slipped into the room, ready to announce his presence with a salute. The sight he was faced with was nothing that his years of military training had prepared him for.  
Bent over the desk, partially naked and with sweat pouring down his flushed face was Corporal Levi with hands grabbing onto the edges of the wooden piece of furniture. Behind him, with certain parts of his anatomy buried deep in the smaller man in front of him, stood Commander Erwin with his usually pristine hair in a blond mess on his scalp.  
“Oh.” Said the young cadet and his dark-haired superior in sync, though in radically different pitches and accentuations. It took the two by the desk less than ten seconds to realize that they’d been interrupted, but that was enough for Eren to see Levi’s lips fall apart in a loud moan (a sound that Eren had quite frankly never wished to hear from that particular mouth – especially not in this particular situation). When spotting the teen Levi’s eyes had widened in a way that Eren had never thought possible and he’d stood up straight – revealing parts of the older man’s body that the cadet wished he’d never had to see.  
“I’m sorry.” Eren squeaked and covered his eyes with a sweaty hand – still grasping the report like a lifeline. Levi had quickly grabbed Erwin’s discarded shirt to cover himself and now tried to come up with something intimidating to say as to not completely lose his dignity.  
“The report.” Erwin spluttered after a few long seconds and gestured for Eren to put it on the desk, from which Levi had so urgently risen a moment earlier.  
“Sir.” The teenager blushed and quickly put the stack of paper down, turning to leave barely a second after – he really didn’t wish to prolong the horror that he had thrown himself into. He felt the gust of air as a book was thrown at the back of his head, but missed by a centimetre. He thanked his lucky star that Levi wasn’t yet composed enough to actually aim as he slipped back out the door. 

 

“Have you heard?” a young cadet murmured excitedly to his friends as Hanji walked by. She didn’t bother to silence the youths, but decided to listen in instead.  
“What is it now?” Armin groaned at Connie’s wide-open eyes that only suggested trouble. Eren looked up from his book – a new 3DMG technique that they’d been assigned to study.  
“Corporal Levi really does take it up the a-“  
“I know.” Eren interrupted indignantly, and the horrified expression on his face was enough to make Hanji put two-and-two together.  
Shit, she thought and then she started laughing – unable to control the sounds that escaped her mouth.  
“I’m sorry, Eren, truly am.” She heaved, as the cadets all turned towards the hysterical Squad Leader. 

 

“Turns out they were right, in the end.”  
Levi turned to look at Erwin from where he sat in the window, reading.  
“What.” He asked with disinterest.  
“The cadets.” The blond chuckled, letting his warm smile stay on his lips.  
The Corporal’s mouth shut tight and he glared at the Commander furiously.  
“Yes, and if you’d like to keep it that way I suggest you shut the fuck up.”


End file.
